She always made sure that the time, place, and people weren't right for me. Who could it be? I was told it's now too late. They are now pregnant, and nobody cared. I still can't believe that I was used this way.

I was sleeping on a bench and had a dream about this girl I don't care about and only ever spoke to more than two decades ago. I woke up and pissed myself in a pattern that felt like coming. The next day, I was walking down the street and had a vision about somebody else. Then, I had an erection, and I still don't understand how this disgusting shit could have happened to me.

My therapists say, "they can now not tell" and "you have lost out on her forever." They say the same thing every single minute of the day. I'm being reminded that my future has been destroyed. When I express my disgust, they just laugh at me. I wonder if it's worth living.

All I know is that this cannot be a punishment unless it's for nothing. I also know that it is not a reward because of how aberrant it is.